Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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