Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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