Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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