So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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