Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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