bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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