Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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