On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Duck Duck Cougar?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Boobs are out for the taking
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
