I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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