And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize