I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
