Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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