THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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