Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I am midnight drunk by noon
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
