Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize