She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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