I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
vagina is talking i cant
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
