What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
