you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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