I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize