they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
