woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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