well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
