Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
two words: eviction party
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
