the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
