I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
