I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
