Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
