If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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