I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
