During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
