i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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