I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
