I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Randomize
