I hope mine doesn't look like that
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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