this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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