If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize