Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So vagazzling was a success
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
