I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
