Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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