we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize