Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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