My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
