It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
