I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so let's talk penis.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
