I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i now understand why vodka
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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