I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Randomize
