My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
