I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
