My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
