Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
