She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
