my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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