I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Randomize
