between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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