so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize