2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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