if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you win again, gameday.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize